My meaning of life lacks definition

I ran into an old friend today... (what's the old quote Carla, "I seem to be making a lot of old friends"??) while I was shopping at a healthfood store with Duy and Eliina. I haven't seen her in at least 7 or 8 years and she's not one of those folks that I've kept in touch with regularly. Not because we weren't good friends, but just because it didn't work out like that.

I've been thinking about the different ways in which I've defined myself in the past 10 years. While I was a High School Student I defined my life by who I was WITH my friends and what activities we did in our free time. After graduation I struggled with the concept of SELF and INDIVIDUALITY through a year at University; not sleeping much and ultimately deciding that I didn't want to be defined as a thinker but rather a doer. College allowed me the confidence to find my own niche after leaving Nova Scotia in the real world, and I found out that I could now define myself as what I DID for a living. Single, Student, Music Store Employee, Radio Station Summer Cruiser Girl, I graduated from College with a career in radio promotions and thought I'd never look back.

Being able to define who I was by having a job shaped me into someone who really wanted to be successful at what I was DOING, therefore making me confident in saying to those who inquired "I AM ___" and having something successful to include. I thought that it didn't matter what ____ was, as long as it sounded important and - well - successful.

Well, five years running the media gauntlet left me weary and worn; and when I came to the next mountain, I was spent. I crashed and burned out after a five year radio career. I was devastated. How was I going to define myself now when people asked? I was "single" again and also "unemployed"... two titles I've learned that leave most people looking for someone else to chat with at the bar. I was gun shy to get back in the media world, and instead looked for something else. When I was lucky enough to score a job in a country I've never planned to visit in a city that I'd never heard of I said YES with a resounding cheer. I had definition! I had a purpose. I boarded the plane ignorant to the fact that my life was about to change forever.

Most people say that travelling overseas is a life changing experience for them. For me, it was that and then some. Within a year and a half I was married and a mother. Two socially acceptable definitions for someone my age. But as Duy would say "So?" It's my first mothers day tomorrow and after two months I've accepted that I AM a mother, but it's more than that. I've discovered something unexpected...

Definition isn't what I'm living for anymore. I've reasoned that we change who we are so many times that that course leaves you flailing in the wind. What it is, is that my life now has a PURPOSE. Direction. And not the type of direction I was running into/away from before. My life has a point and I can feel it when I look into my daughter's eyes. She doesn't know it yet, but everything I do today and forward is for her future... for our future together. Before, I was content with getting my two week's paycheck and seeking out entertainment (movie, billiards, bar, hiking, bbq, whatever). Now those things seem less important to me... not that they aren't valuable as distractions, but I just feel so responsible for her health and well being.

Thankfully my husband is beside me through all of this. He is my rock, my moon and stars, my night-light and my love. All good titles, that I'm sure he would approve of.